Old Demon and the Sea Witch: A Hell Cruise Adventure (Welcome to Hell Book 10) Read online

  “He’s moving out? Can you give me tips to give my granddaughter?” Jane had been living with me since her parents died. Now thirty, it was time she moved on. Heck, I needed to move on.

  “Not exactly moving out. It’s complicated.”

  I rolled my eyes. “So I’m beginning to understand.”

  “You should meet him. Ian’s a good kid. A shame about the curse on his line.”

  I wouldn’t ask. I wouldn’t ask. I… “What kind of curse?”

  His lips stretched, and his eyes gave off a reddish glow. “If he doesn’t find a true mate in someone from a particular bloodline before his thirty-second birthday, then life as he knows it will end.”

  “Tough curse.”

  “No kidding, especially since we can’t find someone in that family that might be suitable.”

  I didn’t need to ask to know that the birthday would be soon. “What happens at thirty-two? Does he die?”

  “He becomes a kraken. Permanently.”

  “I’m sorry.” I truly was. I understood how curses could suck. My own daughter had been caught by one because of her pirate husband. He’d made a deal that gave him a longer, tougher life in order to be with my witch daughter. But when it came due, they’d both died, and now lived as part of the ocean, tied to it until someone else took over. That deadline was why, after eons of being together, they’d had a child. Jane. At least something of them lived on.

  “I didn’t know his dad well, so when it happened, I didn’t pay it much mind.” Shax shrugged. “But with Ian, it’s different.”

  “You raised him.” A nice thing to do. I didn’t let it soften my stance towards him.

  “Best thing to ever happen to me. But problem is, now I care for the kid, and I can’t stop the curse.”

  “Surely, you found something in your library.” He was the head of it.

  “We only recently discovered the terms of the curse. Damned bureaucracy. Lost for centuries, it turned up less than two weeks ago.”

  “And you’re out of time,” I said softly. “That’s why you want me to meet him.” A curse was comprised of magic. I could play with magic.

  “I know you might not be able to do anything.”

  Curses, much like elastic bands, had a tendency to snap and cause some pain.

  “Doesn’t hurt to look. Bring him by to see me.” Only after I offered did I realize I needed to give him a room number. “On second thought, I’ll come find you.”

  “How about dinner?”

  “I thought you were busy.” I arched a brow. Funny how acting coy had no age.

  “I am. With Ian. It’s the perfect time for you to meet him.”

  “According to you,” I muttered. “Will it only be your nephew, or will there be any other family members? Maybe your own kids?” Yeah, I dug…not so subtly.

  “Never had any. You?”

  “Just the daughter. And now a granddaughter.” The reminder that a lifetime of experiences existed between us.

  “Lucky. That is my one regret. I never had my own family.”

  “Why not?”

  His jaw tensed, and for a moment, he was the boy I remembered who ducked his head. “Never found the time. Probably the biggest mistake I made. Not paying attention to the world passing me by. Losing out on opportunities.”

  At those words, his gaze met mine, the expression intent.

  Captivating.

  It took an effort to look away. “Nice seeing you. I should go now.”

  “Say you’ll come to dinner.”

  My heart skipped. Back in the day, I was the one asking him to have a meal with me. Making him supper, toiling over it all day in that hot kitchen only to have him show up late because he’d gotten caught up in a book. Or, at the end of our friendship, not showing up at all as he sought a way to save the library.

  “I’m busy.” This wasn’t entirely a pleasure cruise. I’d come along to watch over my granddaughter. The love spell I’d cast on her locket was behaving oddly.

  “You’re lying.”

  “It’s called being polite instead of telling you I have no interest in spending time with you.” My anger at him was slightly irrational. The only wrong he’d done to me was not returning my affection. And now, after centuries had passed, he wanted to flirt?

  I hated that it worked. Seeing Shax again reminded me of all the things he used to make me feel. The tingles. The breathlessness.

  I wasn’t a young girl of inexperience anymore. I should have better control of myself.

  “Not interested? No.” He shook his head. “You’re lying again?” The words held a hint of uncertainty.

  “Why are you pushing me?” I felt trapped even as he didn’t do anything overt.

  “Because I want to see you. Hear what’s happened to you. Spend time with you.”

  I blinked at his obstinance. “Well, too bad.”

  “I will keep asking until you say yes.”

  “And I will keep saying no! Jerk!”

  A woman stopped beside me. “Grandma, please don’t tell me you’re harassing this gentleman.”

  I could have cringed as Jane called me Grandma. Grandmas were old. I didn’t feel old.

  “I am not harassing Shax,” I huffed. “Merely indicating that I’m unavailable for meals since we are traveling together.”

  Jane arched a brow. “Since when are you hooking up with me for food? You told me, and I repeat, ‘I love you Janey Waney, but you need to make some friends and loosen up. Because I will be, and I can’t have you cramping my style.’”

  “That’s something a whore would say.” I lifted my nose and sniffed in disdain. I was quite sure I’d put it more politely when I talked to Jane. But perhaps not. After all, she needed to hang with someone closer to her age who wasn’t related to her.

  Jane eyed Shax. “Your name…” She tapped her lip. “Sounds familiar.”

  “Nope. Not one bit. Let’s go check out shuffle head.” I linked my arm with Jane’s and dragged her away before Shax could say anything.

  Not that he could say much. We’d never actually dated. The only time I’d kissed him, it’d started a fire.

  Walking away didn’t stop Jane from bugging me. “He’s cute. You going to have dinner with him?”

  “Most certainly not.”

  “Just going to skip right to the drinks and his bed. Efficient. I like it.”

  I coughed. A bit too hard. She pounded me on the back. When I could gasp for air, I said, “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

  “Me either.” She scrunched her nose. “There’s something in the air, I swear. It’s making me a little crazy.”

  “You’ll be fine. Why not go find a drink. Get some food.”

  “Nope. I’m not getting drunk. I’m going to hang out in the room. Catch up on some reading.”

  “Great plan.” I shoved at her, not arguing with her choice. The love spell locket was aboard the ship, the magic already at work. My granddaughter wouldn’t have a choice. She’d leave her room because her true mate was somewhere on this ship.

  With her out of the way, and Shax nowhere in sight, I could finally answer a summons.

  I found the tiki bar on a lower level. Tucked away, it only had a few people inside. One of them being the devil.

  He wore a wide-brimmed straw hat, big sunglasses, a shirt peppered in neon sloths, and flip-flops that showed his six-toed feet. “Took you long enough,” he grumbled, gesturing to the many platters of food, most half-eaten.

  I slid into the seat across from Lucifer. “I can’t drop everything just because you call. Stop whining like a little girl and tell me you ordered something with lots of alcohol for me.” Never show weakness with the devil.

  “I drank it.” He lifted his hand and waggled four fingers. “We’ll get more.”

  “What are you doing here? Does Gaia know you’ve left?” My understanding was that the devil had agreed to co-parent the newest dark prince. And by co-parent, that meant fifty-fifty with a pair
of gods used to doing whatever they liked.

  “The spawn of my loins is being watched by someone trustworthy.”

  “Don’t say Nefertiti.”

  “How did you guess?” He beamed.

  “I can’t believe you. You know she’s a bad influence.” I shook my head.

  “Exactly. Can you think of anyone better to corrupt my son? Other than me, of course.” He grinned, layers of sharp teeth showing, and yet he still managed to look disturbingly human. Handsome, too.

  Still, despite his good looks and evil nature, he didn’t give me tingles like a certain other old demon.

  “I’m supposed to be on vacation. Why are you here?” I asked.

  “Can’t a dark lord visit his favorite witch?”

  I arched a brow. “Since when am I the favorite? Last I heard, isn’t that Ysabel’s title?” Everyone knew the devil had a thing for his secretary. Problem being she only had a thing for her husband, Remy.

  “She is no fun since the child. Brings it to work and everything. Can you believe she instituted workplace rules about watching while she feeds it on the tit? Never wears a skirt anymore. I’ve been forbidden—me, the devil—forbidden from ass-slapping the staff. Male or female. My jokes aren’t being laughed at anymore. The HR department is involved in numerous lawsuits about sexual harassment. It’s unfair! I’m the devil. It’s an insult if I don’t say something about your breasts or cop an inappropriate feel.”

  “You haven’t done either with me. And I’m not insulted.”

  “You should be. It’s because I don’t find you appealing. Why do you persist in adopting such a shell?” He waved his hand.

  “The same reason you looked twenty years older for such a long time. It suits the purpose.”

  “You should try shedding this body for a new one. It can revive even the most jaded.” He winked. “And you can go for hours. Days.”

  I didn’t reply because the devil would just keep going, each thing he said getting dirtier and dirtier. Two could play at that game. “Rumor has it you love your wife so much you won’t cheat on her.”

  Lucifer eyed me, and smoke began to curl from his ears. “Are you accusing me of chivalry?”

  “Actually, I was accusing you of monogamy.”

  “Even worse!” he roared. The tiki bar trembled. The mural of a monkey god suddenly possessed glowing eyes, and its mouth moved.

  “Oh, calm down. If it upsets you that much, you big baby, then start slapping asses again and asking women to come home with you.”

  “I can’t. The lawyers, you know? My hands are tied.”

  “Sure, they are.” It amused me to see him fighting to never publicly admit his affection for Gaia, and yet it was quite clear for anyone to see.

  “Lawsuits aside, we should discuss why I’m here. I need you to do me a favor.”

  “Depends.” Because one learned early on not to agree without knowing the details first. “What’s the favor?”

  “I need you to find out what my head librarian Shax is up to.”

  My mouth went dry. “Why? What do you think he’s guilty of?”

  Lucifer jabbed a shrimp in my direction. “I initially thought he was boinking my wife, then I realized how ridiculous it was that she’d choose his less-than-impressive self over me.”

  “Naturally.”

  “So, I wondered, what is she up to that requires her being alone with another man and has her returning looking furtive? Why is it that the other day, she returned sopping wet, smelling of fish, and fuming? It apparently wasn’t because she didn’t properly shower. Quite insulted she was too, for some reason.”

  “Get to the point,” I grumbled.

  “It’s a long point, so pay attention. Isn’t it a huge coincidence that Atlantis, which has just resurfaced for the first time in centuries, is a destination for a brand-new cruise? One my wife has an itinerary for on her Hell phone.”

  “How would you know?”

  “Do you really think I don’t stalk my wife?” Lucifer rolled his eyes.

  “If you’re such a good stalker, why do you need me?”

  Lucifer scowled. “Because Gaia is wily. She keeps evading me, but I know she’s been on this ship. And do who you know who else is on this ship? My head librarian. The one she’s been visiting for the last few weeks. He’s suddenly taking a vacation. Strange. Hence why I procured you some excellent accommodations.”

  Which meant in the bowels of the ship, in a tiny closet of a room that I shared with Jane. Noisy as all hell, too. Brilliant on the devil’s part as he ensured I’d spend little time in it and would eagerly do his bidding.

  “You think Shax is conspiring against you with your wife?”

  “Yes. And I believe whatever it is has to do with Atlantis.”

  “Could be he’s interested in a cure for his nephew.”

  “Why would he want to get rid of the curse? Killian will be the mightiest of sea beasts. A lord of the ocean. Why, he could even annoy the piss out of Neptune if he chose. That’s not a curse. It’s a bloody miracle.”

  I shook my head, mostly in admiration. “You are a true demon at heart.”

  “Some days it’s good to be evil. Which is to say, it’s good to be me.” The dark lord had a grin that would terrify even a killer clown.

  Glad he was happy. I, on the other hand, found myself quite annoyed. Especially since I knew exactly what Lucifer attempted with his appearance. “You are trying to set me up,” I huffed.

  Not the first time the devil played matchmaker. I’d avoided previous attempts quite easily. Somehow, he must have gotten wind of my long-ago crush on Shax. Then fabricated a reason for us to be on a cruise together, and now, threw me at my ex-crush in the hopes of pairing us up.

  It wouldn’t happen. Lucifer might have managed some impossible hookups in the past, but Shax and I would never be a couple.

  “Me? Try to put together a fabulous old witch and a just-as-old demon? Never.” The rebuttal was way too overblown.

  “Why would you even bother? We’re too old to be making babies.” In this body, at any rate. I eyed it. There were spells I could use…

  “Can’t a dark lord just want to see two of his loyal minions find their happily ever after?”

  “No.” With Lucifer, there was always an angle.

  “Are your feelings going to be a problem?” He went from joking to serious, badass Lord of Hell. “I gave you an order. Find out what Shax is doing. Make sure he’s not doing my wife.”

  “And if he is?”

  The devil smiled. “Then I hope you’re not too attached.”

  3

  Shax: I really wish someone could recommend a book that explains women.

  I didn’t know what I’d done to piss Dottie off, and yet there was no denying she was angry. Odd, since she had been the one to abruptly sever our friendship when she left without a word. I’d found out what’d happened later via rumor.

  She appeared old now, on the waning edge of life. I had to wonder why she chose to age. A witch of her abilities surely knew how to combat it. After all, she had some demon blood in her line. However, she appeared matronly, her hair a whitish gray cap of fuzz, her clothing the pastel monstrosities often seen in retirement communities—comfort being key. Her skin was wrinkled as if she didn’t know of any creams to moisturize.

  Why had she let herself go?

  Only one answer came to mind.

  She must still mourn the loss of her husband.

  When I found out that she’d married, and in turn stopped visiting the library, I assumed she’d found her grand love. I’d also gone on a bender that involved waking up a few weeks later with a tattoo on my ass and no recollection of anything but a healthy respect from the tavern regulars I’d apparently gotten maudlin with.

  I put Dottie out of my mind and not long after made the deal to become a demi-demon. I saved my library. Disappeared into Hell and threw myself into my work. I spent centuries not really feeling anything, and only truly woke up a
gain at Ian’s arrival on my doorstep.

  Seeing Dottie, though… I could feel a quickening in my blood. A perk of interest.

  Call me pathetic, but I still harbored feelings for her.

  I remembered all too well the shy smiles we shared back before either of us had truly experienced life. How I’d stuttered around her, my ability to use simple grammar stunted the moment I caught even a hint of her presence. I knew what she was. A witch. Her mother had warned me away, told me it was for my own good. Dorothy was meant for great things, and she would live a long, long time. Whereas I—only a scholar, not a fighter, and human to boot—wasn’t a proper match for her. That didn’t occur until I became a demi-demon, but by then, it was too late.

  Dottie had moved on.

  “Fuck me with a giant dildo, could you look more depressed on a cruise through paradise? What the fuck is wrong with you?” The devil stood blocking my view with his obnoxiously bright ensemble.

  “Sailor suits went out of style,” I remarked.

  “I am bringing them back, baby.” Lucifer swung his hips and winked.

  “What do you want?” I snapped.

  “Now, Shax, is that any way to greet your lord and master?” Lucifer pretended to be aggrieved.

  I merely scowled. Having served out my contract in Hell, the devil no longer had true reign over me. “I retired from your service.”

  “Ruining my perfect record, I know. People are supposed to die on the job, literally working themselves to death. But you…you are actually collecting your pension as of this morning.”

  “I hardly call getting a piece of coal each week a pension.”

  “Back in the day, when the bargain was made, it was worth a fortune.”

  “Why are you here? Don’t you have to go feed the baby or something?” I didn’t need the devil breathing down my neck, not with me secretly working for his wife.

  “I let Nef borrow the little ankle biter.” Lucifer angled his leg. “Little fucker clamped on this morning and wouldn’t let go. Had to shake like a bunny on ED pills to get him off. Thought Gaia was gonna tear off my head when she caught him. Can you believe she said my yelling ‘touchdown’ was inappropriate?”